Okay, I can't sleep so I thought I would write for awhile.

It was a crazy rainy day. I have never seen so much rain...5-6inches in an hour.  Our pool was overflowing and cars were stalling out in the streets. There were times when the wind was blowing so hard that the rain was horizontal, and lots of thunder and lightening.  Reagan, my big dog, kept needing to go outside, but wouldn't go unless I stood out in the rain with him. Needless to say, I waited until the wind and thunder calmed down.  During the worst part of the storm, the electricity went off, and it remained off for 2-3 hours.  It shut me down!  I couldn't do my work on the computer, or watch TV.  I even tried to escape but the garage door wouldn't raise either...duh!  The funny thing is, I have been running away from God lately. Sort of needing Him and ignoring Him at the same time; praying and thinking about Him but not surrendering my will to Him, or meditating on His truth.  My own distortions of truth have exhausted me and ironically, I needed a cleansing on this rainy afternoon..  I became very aware that God was calling me to Himself.  So I curled up in my big cushy, golden chair with my big golden dog at my feet.  I poured my heart out to the Lord and asked for forgiveness for letting other things come before Him.  I used a handy flash light and read in Matthew some words of life, meant just for me at this time when darkness was closing in. 

I've started a new Bible study in Romans. I'm the first chapter and already I'm convicted!  This a powerful book and probably one we need to reread often.  We get so involved in  "things" that don't have an eternal significance, or maybe they do, but not pure, things of God.  Here are some passages that I have contemplated deeply.

"I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the Power of God for the salvation of everyone wo believes: first for the Jew, then for the Gentile.  For in the gospel a righteousness from God is revealed, a righteousness that is by faith from first to last, just as it is written: The righteous will live by faith."

"The wrath of God is being revealed from heaven against all the godlessness and wickedness of men who suppress the truth by their wickedness, since what may be known about God is plain to them, because God has made it plain to them. For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities- his eternal power and divine nature- have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse.    For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened. Although they claimed to be wise, they became fools and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images made to look like mortal man and birds and animals and reptiles.

Therefore God gave them overin the sinful desires of their own hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another. They exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator-who is forever praised. Amen. Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones.   Tn the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed indecent acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their perversion. Furthermore, since they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, he gave them over to a depraved mind, to do what ought not to be done....."(read the rest of chapter one)

We can so easily be drawn in and sort of lulled....self-righteousness does that. But conviction, humility before God, and absolute brokeness over our sin turns us back.

Romans shows the key to protecting our hearts from a sinful, depraved world is to glorify God, give Him thanks and make Him truly Lord of our lives, and Study His Word, hide it deep in our hearts.... "so I might not sin against thee." (David wrote in the Psalm.

"It is really hard to lose the person who makes your world alright...and makes things okay for you." 

These words came from a dear friend when I called her today and asked her to pray for my grandmother.  I told her about going to Louisiana to be near her.  Nannie's spirit is alive and well, but her body is failing.  I don't know how much time she will be on this earth...probably only a short time. 

Selfishly, I want her to stay here with us forever.  But then I think about heaven, and the Lord Jesus, and all that waits for her on the other side (Hebrews 12, my favorite chapter in the Bible talks about a "cloud of witnesses)...I get so excited for her! She will have a large cheering section!

I don't think death is something scary and lonely. The Lord would never let it be that way for his children.  On this side, losing feels that way but on the other side, I think the view is so different.  O to see it as you see it Lord!

So, the visit to Louisiana was bitter sweet.  I loved being with my colorful, outspoken family.  I loved seeing my kids come and take their place there as well :) My Mom loves to imagine what it will be like when she has so many great grandchildren.  I can't imagine such things. 

When I think about what it was like in that house 30, even 40 years ago...when Pop, and Othermomma, and Poppa was alive.  Wow!  To think of the kids that have been born since, that they never knew, and how much the grand kids and great grand kids have added to Nannie's life in the absence of her husband, parents and only brother.  Can you imagine out living your spouse, sibling and parents? I sure can't...although none of us know how we might live out our days.  My grandmother chose to be happy despite her losses. Instead she focused her energy and life on building up the little ones around her, and enjoying every day that God has given her. She maintained her sense of humor and playful, happy heart.

She told my Aunt recently that she is not afraid to die, she simply didn't want to leave us, see us hurt and not be able to console us.....AND she really would like to keep up with what we are doing! I think the moment that her gaze looks to heaven's door, her last thoughts will not be about leaving us...her family, but reuniting with family that is waiting and has been waiting for a long time on the other side, and looking upon the face of the One she has loved most of all, the Lord Himself.

I thought about Proverbs 31in the last few days...there is so much of that passage that is Nannie...but this phase at the end said it all. "And her family will rise and call her blessed"  To this, I would add...."and they did."

Today is a GLORIOUS day!  A day of REST and RENEWAl.

I've been feeling desparate lately. Desparate to pause from such a constant, furious pace, of responsibilites at home, work, and church. Desparate for a "vacation day."  Desparate for a personal retreat; a day away from the workplace to step back and reflect.  My heart knows it is time for a "sabbath rest". The Holy Spirit beacons me to take a deep breath, surrender, and reorder priorities under his control.  I'm mostly desparate to linger in the presence of the Almighty and adore Him for who He is.

God is Good!  I thank Him that I was granted a couple of days of PTO from my supervisor this week. This morning it hit me, I went from one job to the next in March with a mission trip to Mexico between them.  Christmas break, which is usually no break anyway, was when I went to take care of Dad after his heart surgery. 

This day has been a long time coming.... 

Solitude is something I thrive on....it is what gives me strength and energy to meet challenges ahead and to continue to be kind. When I go and do, constantly, I get pretty snippy and short tempered. And it makes sense you can't keep giving and sharing from a empty cup.

Thank God that He is a faithful Father, that gives us what we need. 

Okay!  I admit, right now, I'm grieving a bit....school's out and since I changed jobs a couple of months ago, I don't get summers off anymore : (  

Yesterday, the last day of school for many, I thought about the relief one feels when the pressure of school ends (whether you are a student, or an employee in the system).  There is an indescribable high and peace beyond any regular, normal day. Ah...Summer...it holds our highest hopes for good times with friends, family,...could it be a anything like heaven?

So I  started relating school ending and looking forward to summer to the freedom we have in Christ and the joy we have in Him.  He is our hope and has set us free from the bondage of sin and death.  What He did at the cross and what He continues to do, is so hard to wrap my mind around.  I thank Him and want to live every day lke it is "the last day of school."